BUSY, BUSY, BUSY!

Well, as my sister and daughter are so fond of pointing it out...I guess you can tell it's been awhile since my last post. (blush) There has just been so much going on this last year, it's hard to find actual time to write anything down! But, as I am fond of saying to others...."Sometimes, if you don't take time for yourself to rest in GOD, HE will lay you flat out on your back to make you look UP!" That being said, I had a jaw tooth cut out this morning, It wasn't pretty. It was cracked down the middle all the way down to the root. However, after five days of excruciating pain,(it WAS after all Memorial Day weekend when nobody is open to fix such things....Murphey's law and all that) the cutting out part was a relief!
The devil always tries to take away any joy you get by spending time with God's people in any way he can. Got news for you old devil....you can have joy in the midst of pain!!!!
Tony's last MRI showed something questionable around his port-a-cath. Well, knowing God has healed his cancer, the devil tried to scare us with the possibility of a blood clot, that if it broke loose, could go straight to his heart and kill him. Devil don't know us and our God very well, yet, huh, sis! Immediately called our closest and strongest prayer warriors, and at the end of Tony's dye scan yesterday to pinpoint exactly where and how big this clot was....it had disappeared!
Nanny, nanny,boo-boo devil! Take that!!!! Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!!
This attack from Satan came about because I had just gotten back from a BFW ladies retreat in camp Butman up by Merkel. It was gorgeous up there! The weather was beautiful, got to meet some FANTASTIC ladies, and the Holy Spirit was moving through these ladies like a whirling dervish!
I got to see, feel and hear God moving in ways I have rarely seen before. (being Baptist, we tend to quench the Spirit a little.....okay, okay....a LOT!)
Had the absolute pleasure of being able to take my very good friend, Robbie Maass with me , and we got to bond even closer together. We were bouncing ideas and vision for our church off of each other all the way home! God has such wonderful things in store for us as we go forward into His Kingdom! We are STILL processing all the things GOD revealed to us while we were there,
and probably will be for weeks to come! We learned some very important things about ourselves while we were there, for example, how important we are to Him in His plan for His Kingdom, and I don't know about Robbie...but I finally GOT how very, very much He loves me and how sometimes He just wants to be close to me and spend time with me! And I'm NOT being selfish....He wants that relationship with ALL of His children!! Isn't that AWESOME????!!!! WOW! Okay, that's it . Now I'm going to sit back in awe and spend some time with my Father.
P.S. Here is a special shout out to our new daughters we acquired while we were there:
Amy, April & Brandi...."We're somewhere in the future, and we look much better than we do right now!" Love you gals!

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW

As we were sitting at the Cancer Center again this morning, we were kinda talking about how far God had brought us on this roller coaster of ups and downs that they call "CANCER". There has been so much prayer go up for us, so much support given to us (not just emotionally and spiritually...but also financially) so much faith shared with us by others and provided by GOD. We talked about how Satan just loves to weasel in and plant little grains to make us doubt. Well, My FATHER tells me to be anxious for nothing! Tony cast aside any doubts he had, I held strong to what my FATHER had already revealed tome, and in to see the Dr. we went! Unfortunately, the Dr. had not received the report on Tony's MRI, because the dingbats in radiology had not read the scan yet! (but that happened for a reason) The Dr. started telling us what our options and his plans were in case:
1)Tony's liver showed little improvement
2)Tony's liver showed no change at all, or
3)Tony's liver had gotten worse.

I patiently sat there and listened to him make all of his contingency plans and then told him that all of that was going to be moot, because when Tony's results came back, it was going to show that his cancer was gone! The Dr. smiled while looking somewhat skeptical, and said, "we still need to make plans, just in case"

I told him that was fine, he could make all the plans he wanted to...but that I was telling him....IT WAS GONE! I said this with complete assurance in my voice, my heart and my spirit.

To pacify me, I think, The Dr. said, "Ok...there you go...I hope you're right."
And then we left the Cancer Center to call back later for the results.

We called back later to get the results, and Lo and Behold! The Cancer Is Gone!!!!

Now, we have been telling the Dr. all along about how our faith in God has been getting us through this ordeal. I told you the report was delayed for a reason....
I was able to state WITH CERTAINTY that the cancer was gone BEFORE we supposedly knew for certain what the scan showed....so the Dr. is going to wonder????? How did she KNOW unless it was because of her strong faith in her GOD? What a wonderful way to be able to witness !

For all of you who have been supporting us with your prayers, words of encouragement, food and finances, we cannot thank you enough! Please continue to pray for us until Tony regains his strength and is able to go back to work.

Father God, Thank you for completing the healing you began in Tony 8 months ago. Thank you, Lord for this experience, and for allowing us to grow through it and learn from it. We ask You to bless this testimony to minister to others who you send our way, and we will praise and glorify Your Name for it!

Mortality

This round of chemo was not a good one. Not that any of them are, but this was the first difficult one for Tony. His platelets have dropped from 330,000 to 120,000 and that was before he even started this third round of chemo. This time he was shaky, sick, miserable, weak and very drained. He spent most of the last three days in bed.
For any of you who know Tony, you know that is very rare for him. He has always been such a strong man. He has always been an active man. In the thirty years we have been married, he has rarely even been sick with a cold or the flu.
Over the last three days, I got a glimpse of Tony's mortality, and it has left me shaken. I mean, I KNOW in my head what the Drs. told us about his life expectancy, 6-18 months. But yesterday was the first day I FELT like I was actually going to lose him. It is not a feeling or a thought that I ever wanted to have.
I held up pretty well the first two days, but I guess by that third day it had really had time to sink in. My semi-sleepless nights just added to the weakening of my defenses, and by that afternoon, my eyes started leaking, my nose started running, people in Hobby Lobby were looking at me like I was an escaped lunatic, and I couldn't seem to get a grip. I was most of the way home before I told myself I didn't want Tony to see me crying like that, yet again, so I called him to make sure he was ok and then I turned around and went to my daughter's house.
We talked for awhile, and cried for awhile, I got my grandson to sleep, then I washed my face, picked up some lunch on the way home and arrived with Tony none the wiser. At least til he caught me leaking again right before I went to bed. I told him I was being emotional because I was so tired, but I don't think he bought it. He already has enough on his plate . He shouldn't have to worry about me, too, just because I can't seem to keep my sh** together emotionally
when thoughts of losing him attack me!!!!! I just want ya'll to know...this is HARD, and cancer SUCKS! And even tho this round was difficult for Tony, I have a feeling it was only a hint of what is yet to come.
They need to teach classes about how to keep your composure or something! I guess I will have to run away a little more often to let the emotions out, because when I try to keep them bottled up, they end up leaking out my eyes and nose! And where does all that snot come from, anyway???? One minute you're dry as a bone, then the minute your eyes start leaking, your nose turns into a faucet! Does it come out of your brain, or what??? It must, cuz mine seems to be shrinking lately....or maybe it's just getting numb. Or, it could be that it's getting late, and I'm getting tired, so I will just close with this request...

BUMP UP THE PRAYERS, PLEASE!!!

GOD GAVE ME A DREAM

On Friday afternoon, the 26th of February, the Oncologist told my husband and I that his cancer had spread to his liver. He went on to say that there was no cure and only 10% chance of remission, and that Tony only had 6-18 months of life left. We spent the rest of that day holding each other and crying and praying. The next day, Tony said that he wasn't giving up and that if he was going, he was going down fighting. I was still crying and praying, then I decided to clean out closets...all the while crying sporadically and constantly praying. God never told us we could not question Him, and I was. God never told us we could not disagree with Him, and I did....vehemently! God DID tell us to rely on Him and have faith in Him, and we do. I was still going back and forth with God quite a bit when I cried myself to sleep at about 11 p.m. Saturday night, and God gave me a dream......

I was a little girl again. The training wheels had just been taken off of my bicycle. God's hand was holding onto the seat of my bicycle holding me up trying to teach me how to ride. Just as I got going good, He removed His hand. I panicked! I screamed, "God! Don't leave me!!!" Very calmly He said,"Look down, Brenda. My hand is still right here. I AM STILL RIGHT HERE. If you start to fall, I WILL catch you. All you have to do is trust Me. I am teaching you how to do this, so that later, you will be able to SOAR."

I woke up from this dream at 2 a.m. Sunday morning and cried until almost 5. Big heart-wrenching sobs. A deep cleansing release. God continued to speak to me the rest of the day through different occurrences that happened at church that morning and again at church that night. I am now at peace.

Tony and I have spent a lot of time talking over the past few days, and while it is our utmost desire that Tony be healed, we know from reading His Word, that God's perfect will does not always coincide with ours. We have laid this burden at His feet and asked Him to direct us. Some of you may not understand this, but the outcome of all of this is no longer that important to us. Don't get me wrong...we still very much DESIRE that Tony be completely healed, but it is MORE important to us that His will be done in us and in those around us. We may not always understand what that is, but we trust Him because He tells us in His Word, " And we know that ALL things work together for GOOD to those who love GOD, to those who are called according to HIS purpose." Romans 8:28

We are also praying that He use us as positive witnesses during this time in our lives so that others may come to know just how Wonderful and Loving our God is, and exactly how much HOPE there is in Him when things seem so hopeless.

I am not saying that we won't struggle during this time. We are only human, and there will be times when we will be feeling weak, I'm sure. But we also have a wonderful extended support group in place, of family and friends near and far that we can call on when we are feeling down. But most of all, we know our God loves us, and every time we have faced a trial in this family, He has brought us out the other side of it much stronger than we were before. He is, after all, where our strength and hope come from.

In my dream, God revealed to me that yes, this is a scary time...but He is always RIGHT THERE FOR ME. That was what He revealed to me immediately. As in most dreams He gives me, I'm sure I will get other things out of it as time progresses. My sister is usually the designated prophetic dreamer in our family, and I told her not too long ago, that I didn't like getting the dreams...that she could keep that particular gift....but I'm glad God ignored that by giving me this dream.

See, I told you....He always knows what's best for us!

UPSIDE DOWN WORLD

So much has happened since my last post. It all started when my mom started falling apart in August of last year. I wrote a short post on that, but the breakdown is my mom flatlined on us, and they sent her home without knowing what was wrong with her. Many Dr. appts later and a trip to Baylor in January....they still don't know! I see her growing weaker every day even tho' she tries to put on a good front that she is ok....I KNOW better...and the worry and fear I see in my Daddy's eyes only confirms what I already know. UNLESS THEY CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER SOON, SHE WON'T BE WITH US MUCH LONGER.

In early December, Samantha's new Dr. tells us that she not only has Angelman Syndrome, but also West Syndrome AND a clinical diagnosis of CP. That doesn't change anything with her as far as how much we love her or will continue to make sure she has the best quality of life we can achieve for her, but the big blow to my equilibrium is the fact that is cuts her life expectancy WAY down! 61% of children with West Syndrome die at or before the age of 10. Close to 90% don't make it past age 20. Sammi just turned 7. She is my first grand child. She is beautiful. She is precious to me. She is so very special, and I can NOT cope even with the THOUGHT of losing her at an early age!

In mid-December, my daughter, Melissa, found out she was VERY unexpectedly pregnant again. All children are a gift from God, and Melissa is my only shot at having grandchildren, so having another grandbaby doesn't upset me at all. However, Melissa has fibromyalgia, and her body has enough problems on a day to day basis, so I am very worried that carrying this baby is going to be real hard on her body.

In late December, my husband, Tony (who very seldom ever gets sick) gets sick with a stomach virus and goes to the Dr. The Dr. asks a lot of questions, sends him for some further testing, and we find out he has colon CANCER. Surgery is performed on January 10th and they think they got it all, but it is stage 3 cancer because it was found in his lymph nodes also. He had a porta-a-cath surgically inserted into his chest yesterday, and his chemo treatments start on the 12th of February. Six months worth of chemo is what he has to look forward to. In the mean time, he has to go on long-term disability from work, which will cut his paycheck down to 60%. Of all the things, that is probably his biggest worry, but I feel like it is the least of mine.

I know in my head that things could be much, much worse....but my heart is screaming ENOUGH!!!!!! I am ready for Calgon to "TAKE ME AWAY!", But instead, I will gather up and hide my shattered emotions, pull myself up by my bootstraps, get a grip, and try to deal with things one day at a time...one hour at a time....one minute at a time, if I have to.

And I DO have to, because my whole world has been turned upside down. All I can say is that it is a GOOD thing that I am anchored in CHRIST, because I am losing my grip on the people I hold dearest in my heart, and yet again, my faith is God is the only thing that is going to help me get through these crises.

To anyone who reads this.....prayer is ALWAYS appreciated.

AMAZING

You know, I always castigated my hubby for being so loud and belligerent in public when someone would upset him...after all, it was EMBARRASSING! But, I have to admit....it usually got results.
Since the growth of my new balls, I understand it a lot better! It is really AMAZING how bold and loud you can be when your Mom is in the hospital in CCU and they don't respond to the call button for 15 minutes...especially when she flat-lined on them the morning before!
Since we could not spend the night with her in CCU, my sister and I did not find out about this til the next morning when our mother timidly told us she had had another "weak spell" the night before and couldn't get them to respond to the buzzer. But she didn't want to tell the Dr. about it because she didn't want to get the nurses in trouble! We kicked up enough of a fuss that the Dr. DID find out about it, and the nurses DID get in trouble. The Dr. checked the readouts from the monitor around the time this happened and found that her heart rate had plummeted almost 20 points! So, with the help of my sister,(who has ALWAYS had testicles of her own) we are going to encourage our mom to grow her own set!
It's simply AMAZING how much attention you can get when you are loud and belligerent!
To my hubby, I understand you a lot better now and will try not to gripe at you or be embarrassed the next time you feel the need to express yourself so loudly in public.
And a side note to anyone who may have an elderly parent in the hospital...do NOT watch "THE NOTEBOOK".

testicular fortitude

For years, my family and friends (at the same time while loving me for my big heart, tenderness, compassion, concern and blind trust in others) have continually told me to quit being a doormat and letting other people run over me. My nature is to trust people too much, love people too much, cater to people too much, etc., etc., etc.....You get the idea. My husband even says that I can't say NO to anybody but him! (don't even go there!) Well, you can't exactly go against nature, can you???? Or.....Can't you? I have found out over the past six years, that you CAN grow balls when you have to. Why did it take me six years to figure this out, you say? It's not so much that I'm a slow learner as it is that it just sort of snuck up on me by degrees. My balls grew so slowly that I didn't even realize that they were there until drastic things began to happen in my life, and ..Lo and Behold.....There it was! TESTICULAR FORTITUDE! Just when I needed it most!
It began with the birth of my beautiful granddaughter, Samantha Katelyn Pointer. She was five weeks early and had a rocky start with failure to thrive for about the first 2 months of her life, but then she finally started putting on weight and things were perfect.
Have you ever noticed that the things that rock the foundations of your world tend to happen when you think you are happier than you've ever been?
At about 3 1/2 months old, we noticed Sammi wasn't attaining the developmental milestones that other babies her age were. We started looking for answers. The Drs. Said it was just because she had been premature...Give her some time...She will catch up. She didn't. More questions...More searching....More Drs.......More hours of research on the internet than most research students log...More tests than ANY baby ought to have to undergo...And finally, at 14 1/2 months, a diagnosis. One, by the way, that Mom and Grandma had found through all of their tireless research, and the Drs. Only confirmed through specific testing!
ANGELMAN SYNDROME:a genetic disorder ...She is missing a big chunk of DNA from her 15th chromosome pair. The symptoms? Severe developmental delay, non-existent to minimal speech, a happy smiling demeanor, and possibly the onset of seizures before the age of 3 yrs.
Statistics say that 80% of marriages that have special needs children end in divorce because of the added stress of caring for and supporting that special child. My daughter's marriage became one of those statistics. Samantha's daddy left them when she was 18 months old. Don't get me wrong...Sammi's daddy is NOT a bad person. He just wasn't prepared or equipped to handle the situation. After all....Who could be?
While basically he is a very good man, that didn't keep me from being very angry with him for a very long time after he left! However.....It was the very best thing that could have happened to my daughter. Because she didn't have a husband to lean on for support, she has become one of the strongest women I have ever had the priviledge of knowing in my life! She very quickly adapted to the situation, and with the total love she has for her daughter, she became a fighter for Sammi's rights, and an ally and advocate for her special needs.
Samantha, herself, is a very strong and special child. She has endured many surgeries, tests, prodding, poking...And laughed through most of it...Including a spinal tap! She laughed out loud while they were performing it on her! AMAZING!
So, you see...The strength I have now is completely inspired by my wonderful daughter and beautiful, special granddaughter. I have learned to fight WITH my daughter and FOR my granddaughter.
A word of warning, though...Once you grow balls and start fighting for what is right....It tends to spill over into the rest of your life as well. So, every once in awhile, if someone does me or anyone I love wrong....The testosterone from those newly acquired balls surges, and I WILL stand up and voice my opinion and fight for what I think is right! Thank GOD, (and I mean that very sincerely, because without our faith in HIM we would have never gotten through the hard times) I still have enough of my original nature to temper the testosterone with tact and a little wisdom. So, although I am now no longer afraid to speak my mind, I try to do it nicely...But if "nice" doesn't work........You better watch out, cuz.....I GREW BALLS!