Monday, February 26, 2007


On Friday afternoon, the 26th of February, the Oncologist told my husband and I that his cancer had spread to his liver. He went on to say that there was no cure and only 10% chance of remission, and that Tony only had 6-18 months of life left. We spent the rest of that day holding each other and crying and praying. The next day, Tony said that he wasn't giving up and that if he was going, he was going down fighting. I was still crying and praying, then I decided to clean out closets...all the while crying sporadically and constantly praying. God never told us we could not question Him, and I was. God never told us we could not disagree with Him, and I did....vehemently! God DID tell us to rely on Him and have faith in Him, and we do. I was still going back and forth with God quite a bit when I cried myself to sleep at about 11 p.m. Saturday night, and God gave me a dream......

I was a little girl again. The training wheels had just been taken off of my bicycle. God's hand was holding onto the seat of my bicycle holding me up trying to teach me how to ride. Just as I got going good, He removed His hand. I panicked! I screamed, "God! Don't leave me!!!" Very calmly He said,"Look down, Brenda. My hand is still right here. I AM STILL RIGHT HERE. If you start to fall, I WILL catch you. All you have to do is trust Me. I am teaching you how to do this, so that later, you will be able to SOAR."

I woke up from this dream at 2 a.m. Sunday morning and cried until almost 5. Big heart-wrenching sobs. A deep cleansing release. God continued to speak to me the rest of the day through different occurrences that happened at church that morning and again at church that night. I am now at peace.

Tony and I have spent a lot of time talking over the past few days, and while it is our utmost desire that Tony be healed, we know from reading His Word, that God's perfect will does not always coincide with ours. We have laid this burden at His feet and asked Him to direct us. Some of you may not understand this, but the outcome of all of this is no longer that important to us. Don't get me wrong...we still very much DESIRE that Tony be completely healed, but it is MORE important to us that His will be done in us and in those around us. We may not always understand what that is, but we trust Him because He tells us in His Word, " And we know that ALL things work together for GOOD to those who love GOD, to those who are called according to HIS purpose." Romans 8:28

We are also praying that He use us as positive witnesses during this time in our lives so that others may come to know just how Wonderful and Loving our God is, and exactly how much HOPE there is in Him when things seem so hopeless.

I am not saying that we won't struggle during this time. We are only human, and there will be times when we will be feeling weak, I'm sure. But we also have a wonderful extended support group in place, of family and friends near and far that we can call on when we are feeling down. But most of all, we know our God loves us, and every time we have faced a trial in this family, He has brought us out the other side of it much stronger than we were before. He is, after all, where our strength and hope come from.

In my dream, God revealed to me that yes, this is a scary time...but He is always RIGHT THERE FOR ME. That was what He revealed to me immediately. As in most dreams He gives me, I'm sure I will get other things out of it as time progresses. My sister is usually the designated prophetic dreamer in our family, and I told her not too long ago, that I didn't like getting the dreams...that she could keep that particular gift....but I'm glad God ignored that by giving me this dream.

See, I told you....He always knows what's best for us!

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Blogger God's Warrior Bride said...


I am glad the God gave you the dream. I have been praying and praying that He show you that He is still there with you and that know matter what, He will not leave you or forsake you. My heart feels like it is breaking in two for you both. You know me, I am a fixer and I am sure that I can fix this for you (haha) And the only way I can figure out how to fix this is continuing to fast, pray, war and praise for you both. After all, that is what God created me for.

When I received the news about Tony I was at BFW worship practice. All of a sudden I realized why I got picked to play the djimba this year - IT IS THE WARRING DRUM and I am going to use it to war for Tony, you and your family during this time. And while some people may not understand this I know you do.

God does have a plan for this and you and Tony and no matter the outcome everyone will know that God has been in control all the while. I love that you are at peace at this time, because I am angry enough for all of us.

Continue to keep the faith, standing firm on what you know and remember that doctors PRACTICE but the Great Physician is PERFECT.

I love you!

3:00 PM  
Blogger brenda said...


Fasting, praying, warring and praising is EXACTLY what I expect you to do for us. There has never been a question in my mind that you weren't! I thought about calling you when we got the word from the Dr., but at the time, I was too fragile to talk to anyone. God and I had to converse before I felt able to talk to anyone. Had I felt able to talk to you, I would have said,"I have been laid low...the enemy is at the door and I am in dire need of my sister warriors to stand in the gap for me!" God has renewed my strength since then, but I still need my sister warriors to stand with me in this battle. I know I can count on all of you, and I thank God that he put all of you in place for me during the BFW we shared together.
I am so jellie that you get to play the Djembe!!!! I have wanted one ever since the BFW I attended. To me, it just added SOOO much to the worship and warring!
He probably also chose it for you because he knew you would be angry and it would give you a GREAT outlet. I get chills just imagining you in the Spirit on that drum!!!
Keeping the faith has never been the problem, but understanding was slow in coming until I realized I didn't need to understand....just trust.

4:01 PM  
Blogger God's Warrior Bride said...


Your message has been sent out and Sisters everywhere are standing in agreement - nothing like warring women. If you get a chance check out our Sister's blog at The ladies have done a wonderful job on it.

I am mailing you a copy of the BFW music tody, just in case you don't get to come. I wish I had an extra djembe to send you but I don't just yet. Give me a day or two and I'll see what I can come up with.

And know that everytime I play the drum I will be warring for Tony.

Love ya!

12:50 PM  

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