Thursday, March 15, 2007


This round of chemo was not a good one. Not that any of them are, but this was the first difficult one for Tony. His platelets have dropped from 330,000 to 120,000 and that was before he even started this third round of chemo. This time he was shaky, sick, miserable, weak and very drained. He spent most of the last three days in bed.
For any of you who know Tony, you know that is very rare for him. He has always been such a strong man. He has always been an active man. In the thirty years we have been married, he has rarely even been sick with a cold or the flu.
Over the last three days, I got a glimpse of Tony's mortality, and it has left me shaken. I mean, I KNOW in my head what the Drs. told us about his life expectancy, 6-18 months. But yesterday was the first day I FELT like I was actually going to lose him. It is not a feeling or a thought that I ever wanted to have.
I held up pretty well the first two days, but I guess by that third day it had really had time to sink in. My semi-sleepless nights just added to the weakening of my defenses, and by that afternoon, my eyes started leaking, my nose started running, people in Hobby Lobby were looking at me like I was an escaped lunatic, and I couldn't seem to get a grip. I was most of the way home before I told myself I didn't want Tony to see me crying like that, yet again, so I called him to make sure he was ok and then I turned around and went to my daughter's house.
We talked for awhile, and cried for awhile, I got my grandson to sleep, then I washed my face, picked up some lunch on the way home and arrived with Tony none the wiser. At least til he caught me leaking again right before I went to bed. I told him I was being emotional because I was so tired, but I don't think he bought it. He already has enough on his plate . He shouldn't have to worry about me, too, just because I can't seem to keep my sh** together emotionally
when thoughts of losing him attack me!!!!! I just want ya'll to know...this is HARD, and cancer SUCKS! And even tho this round was difficult for Tony, I have a feeling it was only a hint of what is yet to come.
They need to teach classes about how to keep your composure or something! I guess I will have to run away a little more often to let the emotions out, because when I try to keep them bottled up, they end up leaking out my eyes and nose! And where does all that snot come from, anyway???? One minute you're dry as a bone, then the minute your eyes start leaking, your nose turns into a faucet! Does it come out of your brain, or what??? It must, cuz mine seems to be shrinking lately....or maybe it's just getting numb. Or, it could be that it's getting late, and I'm getting tired, so I will just close with this request...