Monday, February 26, 2007


On Friday afternoon, the 26th of February, the Oncologist told my husband and I that his cancer had spread to his liver. He went on to say that there was no cure and only 10% chance of remission, and that Tony only had 6-18 months of life left. We spent the rest of that day holding each other and crying and praying. The next day, Tony said that he wasn't giving up and that if he was going, he was going down fighting. I was still crying and praying, then I decided to clean out closets...all the while crying sporadically and constantly praying. God never told us we could not question Him, and I was. God never told us we could not disagree with Him, and I did....vehemently! God DID tell us to rely on Him and have faith in Him, and we do. I was still going back and forth with God quite a bit when I cried myself to sleep at about 11 p.m. Saturday night, and God gave me a dream......

I was a little girl again. The training wheels had just been taken off of my bicycle. God's hand was holding onto the seat of my bicycle holding me up trying to teach me how to ride. Just as I got going good, He removed His hand. I panicked! I screamed, "God! Don't leave me!!!" Very calmly He said,"Look down, Brenda. My hand is still right here. I AM STILL RIGHT HERE. If you start to fall, I WILL catch you. All you have to do is trust Me. I am teaching you how to do this, so that later, you will be able to SOAR."

I woke up from this dream at 2 a.m. Sunday morning and cried until almost 5. Big heart-wrenching sobs. A deep cleansing release. God continued to speak to me the rest of the day through different occurrences that happened at church that morning and again at church that night. I am now at peace.

Tony and I have spent a lot of time talking over the past few days, and while it is our utmost desire that Tony be healed, we know from reading His Word, that God's perfect will does not always coincide with ours. We have laid this burden at His feet and asked Him to direct us. Some of you may not understand this, but the outcome of all of this is no longer that important to us. Don't get me wrong...we still very much DESIRE that Tony be completely healed, but it is MORE important to us that His will be done in us and in those around us. We may not always understand what that is, but we trust Him because He tells us in His Word, " And we know that ALL things work together for GOOD to those who love GOD, to those who are called according to HIS purpose." Romans 8:28

We are also praying that He use us as positive witnesses during this time in our lives so that others may come to know just how Wonderful and Loving our God is, and exactly how much HOPE there is in Him when things seem so hopeless.

I am not saying that we won't struggle during this time. We are only human, and there will be times when we will be feeling weak, I'm sure. But we also have a wonderful extended support group in place, of family and friends near and far that we can call on when we are feeling down. But most of all, we know our God loves us, and every time we have faced a trial in this family, He has brought us out the other side of it much stronger than we were before. He is, after all, where our strength and hope come from.

In my dream, God revealed to me that yes, this is a scary time...but He is always RIGHT THERE FOR ME. That was what He revealed to me immediately. As in most dreams He gives me, I'm sure I will get other things out of it as time progresses. My sister is usually the designated prophetic dreamer in our family, and I told her not too long ago, that I didn't like getting the dreams...that she could keep that particular gift....but I'm glad God ignored that by giving me this dream.

See, I told you....He always knows what's best for us!

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Thursday, February 08, 2007


So much has happened since my last post. It all started when my mom started falling apart in August of last year. I wrote a short post on that, but the breakdown is my mom flatlined on us, and they sent her home without knowing what was wrong with her. Many Dr. appts later and a trip to Baylor in January....they still don't know! I see her growing weaker every day even tho' she tries to put on a good front that she is ok....I KNOW better...and the worry and fear I see in my Daddy's eyes only confirms what I already know. UNLESS THEY CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER SOON, SHE WON'T BE WITH US MUCH LONGER.

In early December, Samantha's new Dr. tells us that she not only has Angelman Syndrome, but also West Syndrome AND a clinical diagnosis of CP. That doesn't change anything with her as far as how much we love her or will continue to make sure she has the best quality of life we can achieve for her, but the big blow to my equilibrium is the fact that is cuts her life expectancy WAY down! 61% of children with West Syndrome die at or before the age of 10. Close to 90% don't make it past age 20. Sammi just turned 7. She is my first grand child. She is beautiful. She is precious to me. She is so very special, and I can NOT cope even with the THOUGHT of losing her at an early age!

In mid-December, my daughter, Melissa, found out she was VERY unexpectedly pregnant again. All children are a gift from God, and Melissa is my only shot at having grandchildren, so having another grandbaby doesn't upset me at all. However, Melissa has fibromyalgia, and her body has enough problems on a day to day basis, so I am very worried that carrying this baby is going to be real hard on her body.

In late December, my husband, Tony (who very seldom ever gets sick) gets sick with a stomach virus and goes to the Dr. The Dr. asks a lot of questions, sends him for some further testing, and we find out he has colon CANCER. Surgery is performed on January 10th and they think they got it all, but it is stage 3 cancer because it was found in his lymph nodes also. He had a porta-a-cath surgically inserted into his chest yesterday, and his chemo treatments start on the 12th of February. Six months worth of chemo is what he has to look forward to. In the mean time, he has to go on long-term disability from work, which will cut his paycheck down to 60%. Of all the things, that is probably his biggest worry, but I feel like it is the least of mine.

I know in my head that things could be much, much worse....but my heart is screaming ENOUGH!!!!!! I am ready for Calgon to "TAKE ME AWAY!", But instead, I will gather up and hide my shattered emotions, pull myself up by my bootstraps, get a grip, and try to deal with things one day at a hour at a minute at a time, if I have to.

And I DO have to, because my whole world has been turned upside down. All I can say is that it is a GOOD thing that I am anchored in CHRIST, because I am losing my grip on the people I hold dearest in my heart, and yet again, my faith is God is the only thing that is going to help me get through these crises.

To anyone who reads this.....prayer is ALWAYS appreciated.